Who Cares?

  I've been told by so many "wise" people, who are much older than me, that nobody in this world really cares about you. About me. About anyone but themselves. That things like Blogging and Facebook are superfluous and a waste of time because nobody really cares about what's going on in your life. They don't care about what you're doing, what good things have happened, what painful things you've experienced. "Why write?" People ask... Why write when no one in this world cares. No one wants to hear it.

  This breaks my heart.

  Speaking as an individual who is forever hesitant to say what I'm thinking or feeling (oh the joys of being an INFJ... *note sarcasm*), I learned early that writing was a good outlet for me to express myself. It's slower, it allows me to think about my words before sharing them publicly, as well as creating a barrier from a lot of inevitable pressure that comes with talking directly with a person. Mind you, I still enjoy talking face-to-face with folks, but there's a difference between "talking" to someone, and actually "opening up". Guys, it can take me twenty minutes or longer just to work up the nerve to say something to my own mom. That is how introverted I am.

  So when people tell me that no one cares about my musings, my personal FB updates, or my random thoughts that I write, this comes across as a heavy handed slap in the face. It's like being told that in every possible sense, I am unwanted.

  But you know something? I don't wholly believe the words of these "wise" people. I think there are still people in this world who care. Perhaps it's just the wild hope of a naive introvert, but I still cling to the thought that people care. Maybe not all, but some do. I get emails occasionally from people who say they enjoy this blog, or I meet people who say they read all this, or readers tell me about their 3 year old who draws pictures of my darling cow Mattie, or someone tells me how they read these stories aloud to their family during breakfast... Maybe it's just me, but all this sounds like there is still a percentage of this world's population who cares about more than just themselves.

  For the last few months I've been revamping this blog; making it more professional looking, tweaking this and that, bringing in more traffic, more readers. I was reading book after book, blog after blog on all these tips and tricks to bring in more readers. It's the coveted "readership status" that every blogger secretly harbors. I'll even bluntly state my secret desiring: My goal was/is a minimum of 30,000 readers each month. That's what I've been building for. It slowly became my everything and all for this blog. MORE READERS!! MUST HAVE MORE READERS!! I unwittingly unearthed a dragon in me.

  Then I found a completely different book that basically hit me over the head, sent me to my room, and told me to think about what I've done. It was just a small e-book. I paid $2.99 for it. It was called something like "The Small Army Strategy". The author wrote simply, but powerfully; asking which is better: a large readership (hmm, like 30k each month?) that doesn't care a lick if you suddenly disappear one day, or a small readership of people who sincerely care. This was a knock over the head because up until this point I had more or less believed the lie that "no one cares". Shucks, if no one in this world cares that I exist then I might as well shoot for the goal of a large audience, right? But reading through that small e-book reopened a small, hidden desire. I do want to know that people care... I don't say that in a selfish way, like "oh pay attention to meeeeeee, everyone!". But rather, it's more like wanting a community of like minded folks. It's knowing that here in this small corner of cyber space there are people who won't tear me down for my beliefs, mistakes, and desires, but instead can share their own beliefs, mistakes, and desires. It's a quiet longing for a tribe of my own that usually isn't heard over the static noise of others saying that it's a pipe dream. No one cares.

  Last night was a bad night. I was all alone at home, and I was lonely. Normally I love being alone, but being lonely is a whole 'nother thing. It was just me and the dogs in a large and silent house. Every noise had me jumping, and all I wanted was a voice. Just another voice of a human. I didn't find said voice; didn't know who to turn to. But it was during those few hours of crushing loneliness that this post was born in my mind. Do people really care??? My blogs stats show that this blog is averaging a little over 11,000 visitors each month. All I could think about was, "why are these readers here?" To be entertained? To learn? Is that all I am? Just a teacher and 3-ringed circus rolled into one person?  Does anybody even really care!?!?!? Normally I'm fine with being in the shadows; unnoticed, unheard, left to my own devices. But last night, for some reason I was craving an authentic voice. I just wanted to know that I'm not the unwanted shadow that I think I am.

 It was there and then that I decided I was done with making that 30k my goal for this blog. I don't want a large group of silent readers who will simply up and leave when this blog no longer interests them. I want my goal to be a group of folks who care. This may be a small group, seeing as some folks are under the impression that no one really wants to hear details. But you know what? FINE! Let it be a small group! I care about other people; I've been told I care too much about other people (again, problems of being an INFJ...). And I will write as though people care in return. Maybe we won't always agree (I love a good discussion, so varying opinions are welcomed), but hey, I'm willing to keep putting myself out here and writing authentically.

  Having said all this, I think it's time for introductions. I'd like to meet y'all if you don't mind.

  Hi. My name is Caitlyn. I'm 21 and I farm. :)

  Your turn.

If I Was A Guy, I'd Do It.

  I think I'm coming down with cabin fever. Actually, I think it's been setting in since September, but today I'm really feeling the symptoms. Folks, I haven't done a full, hard day's work since August. And I'm feelin' it. Sure, I stay busy, I find various projects to keep me somewhat engaged... But today I'm downright pining to move livestock to new pasture, milk a cow, and slaughter something (animal, that is). It's a cloudy, grumpy day outside and the walls of the house are beginning to feel like they're closing in. I worked outside during the morning; adding new plastic to the greenhouse, cleaning out the barn some more... But it's not enough. My body wants to ache from physical activity spent working with another living creature, and my brain is going ballistic from weeks and weeks without a really good project to puzzle over. I'm not exactly "bored", but I'll certainly say that I'm not accustomed to this slow pace of life. I miss outwitting pigs, teaching the heifer to lead, cleaning my milking equipment, and slaughtering. I've said that twice now. I admit, I really do have a hankering to get a knife in my hand today and slaughter something. Not exactly sure what's with that, but it is what it is. Earlier I was trying to read a book, but found that I kept having to read that same page over, and over, and over. Nothing was sinking in because my mind kept wandering to my old job that I used to have at the slaughter house. And I got to thinking about how much I missed the work. I don't regret my reasons for leaving that job, but I do miss the work. It was good, solid work that folks really appreciate, and I enjoy. Thinking about my old job led my wandering mind down the rabbit trailing thoughts of how fun it would be to own a mobile slaughtering unit (hey, there's always this gorgeous ride to consider, right? LOL. I'm 75% teasing on this one.), which led to finding and buying this cool looking book about a mobile poultry slaughter house (It's almost creepy how excited I am for this to come. I also have Joel Salatin's newest book coming, Jenna Woginrich's newest one on it's way, and one more book due soon... Yet I want this one more than any of them!!!), which then led that rambling mind to thinking about the Portable Plucker folks near me and what an awesome, lucrative gig that is for them, and then finally to the brand spankin' new slaughter house that opened down south in Brownsville (I still swoon over that pretty building, and how well they've set it up.). Yeah, my mind goes everywhere. You should try living with it for a day. *note much sarcasm*

  I believe the end result of all this mental wandering is that 1. I really miss slaughtering. And 2. this really seems like a good opportunity for anyone with the skill and stomach for it. Seriously! There is such a need for more processors; good ones. Especially mobile ones. Or at least folks who will rent out equipment, like what the Portable Plucker folks do.

 At the risk of ruffling some feathers, I'm going to make a statement that I normally keep to myself: If I was a guy, I would totally put myself in training to do this work. I'd be running after this idea so hard and fast that I'd put the Warner Bros. Roadrunner to shame (meep, meep!). But since I'm a girl, I've decided to stand back and try and keep a lid on this desire. Now, before y'all start huffing at me for sounding legalistic, or saying that there's no shame in a woman having her own career, or encouraging me to go for it anyway, allow me to explain. First off, this is merely MY conviction. I have no qualms with other women who have long term careers and whatnot; it's just not my personal cup of tea. It takes all kinds to make a world, and we need all these different people with their different tastes to make everything work. So this is mine. :) Okay, disclaimer is now over... I'm not actively pursuing a long term career because quite frankly, it gets lonely all by yourself. Farming alone is hard and I don't find it enjoyable (why do you think I bought a dog!?), running a slaughtering unit long term sounds just as lonely. Let's imagine for a moment that this crazy farm girl someday bumps into an equally crazy farm boy (remember? I'm a klutz; therefore, "bumping" into someone is perfectly legit in my case. And he'd have to be crazy too to put up with me and the fact that I like cows, bow hunting and know how to use a knife.). That'd be a dream come true if Mr. Right had a farm of his own, or at least liked the idea of going for it. Wahoo, I get to live on a farm! But my job wouldn't be to run the farm. I'd be backup, primarily doing the role of Farm Wife. And I'm okay with that. THAT is my long term goal. Call me old fashioned, but House Wife or rather, Farm Wife is long term goal. This farming gig which I've come to love so much is to keep me busy during these single years. Everything I've learned during these years will be handy in the future. I can milk cows, fix a vacuum pump, drive a manual truck, slaughter any animal, hunt, can, raise broilers, deal with customers, haggle with grain suppliers, and buy good quality hay (the gardening part is still a work in progress... *cough, cough*). If it came to where a second income was needed, then hey, I'm ready! I know what to do! But aiming for a long term career such as a mobile butcher (or a vet, or anything else) seems pointless to me, in my case (please notice emphasis; go back to disclaimer if necessary) when I would be giving it all up after the honeymoon. In the end, I get to be the brains, and he gets to be the brawn around the place (I kid. I wanna' drive the tractors too. Okaaay, I'm teasing again. He'd probably be both and I'd be the one wreaking havoc, bringing home new cows all the time, and annoying the stew out of him); meaning I'm in the background cooking up evil ideas that probably have some hole in them, but he'd be the one actually bringing home the bacon. There's no shame to keeping a house standing and raising a family, folks. That's my job. I've never been hugely keen on "stay-at-home dads" and "career moms". But again, just my tiny two cents with which you can do whatever you like with (meaning chuck it, or agree with it). But you know what, if Mr. Right needed a working partner for whatever reason, I'd be right there doing it (hey he could drive the semi and I'll use the sharp, pointy knives! Grand idea!). So if that means I'm an "employee" who does evening milking for 300 cows, or drives the tractor/combine all day long until harvest season is over, then fine. I'm good with that (as long as the tractor is green. I might have qualms if it's red or blue). The difference here is who's boss. Somehow I don't think the marriage would be as strong if I was the one running the 300 cow dairy and I told Mr. Right that his job around the place is to do what I tell him... ;)

  Now, where in the world was I going with all this? You see, my mind totally rabbit trailed and the above rant was originally not planned. Slaughtering. Yes, I was talking about slaughtering. If I was a guy, I'd consider it as a career. But since I'm not, I get the fun job of puzzling over how I can weave this interest into my life for a short term. I like a good mental puzzle, and this one has been fun to chew on during these rainy, quiet days before I leave. Who knows, maybe in the end I'll just do like the Portable Plucker folks and merely rent out equipment for other folks. I think even that would be enough...

  In the mean time though, I think I'm beginning to suffer from a serious case of cabin fever. And I've still got twenty seven days before I leave. Think I'll survive? ;)

Ask It!

Hey guys, here's this week's 'Ask it' post! I took a break from it last week, but here it is now. :) If you're new here and aren't sure what this is, then here's a quick scoop for ya': I offer consultation services on various homesteading skills for a fee, but once I week I open the floor up and answer questions for no cost at all. It's kind of a fun thing for everyone.

So here y'all go! Leave your question/s in the comments below and I'll answer it on Monday!

P.S. Melanie, you left a couple questions on one of my old Q&A posts concerning microgreens; I'll touch base with those on Monday!

This Is Me Right About Now

I mentioned this in an earlier post; saying that I feel like Rapunzel as I prepare for my big trip to MO. On a whim, I pulled the clip up from the abyss of Youtube.

Yeah, it's been a slow day today. ;)

What Is It You Want?

I found this Youtube last night and LOVED the pep talk on it. Yes, the video itself is about horses, but the message is for everything. Do you want something in life? GO AFTER IT. Now. Start small, start with research, and let it blossom. Life is so short, so precious... How will we spend this span that we're each allotted?

 I have a lot of things in life that I want to do, and this 4 minute video really helped me get out of my "oh someday" funk and back into the swing of WORKING towards a goal. Even if it's just reading up on them, that still puts me one step closer today than I was yesterday.

Watch the vid. It's a good one. :)

P.S. I have a growing collection of these awesome, inspirational horse videos on my Pinterest board, so if you want more of this stuff (and I have to say that some of them are even better than this!), you can do so by clicking HERE!

Thirty Days

 Today it hit me: I leave for Missouri in exactly thirty days.

That's only four more weeks. Thirty days. On December 4th my dog and I will be boarding a horrible plane (I hate flying; especially in the winter time!) and we'll be travelling 2,047 miles (yes I had to Google that) to a state that I've only been to once in my life, to a farm that I've never been to before, to stay long term with people who I've never met, and learn a whole new set of farming techniques and most likely learn a whole new lifestyle. 

 Folks, I'm scared.

 Scared, excited, nervous, eager, anxious, impatient to go, reluctant to leave, regretting my decision, wondering why I haven't done this sooner... You get the idea. As I described it to someone yesterday, I spend about ten minutes feeling like this will be the best adventure *ever*, and then the following ten minutes are spent feeling a horrified dread that I'm about to do this. If you've ever seen Disney's movie 'Tangled' then you might have a good idea on what I look like (and for the record, I adore that movie. Seriously.). The scene when Rapunzel first leaves the tower and is running around everywhere and alternating between shouting, "I did it!! I am never going back!!" and "I can't believe I did this. Mother will be furious!" pretty accurately describes me right now. You'd think that I would eventually find some calm middle ground... Like, be content with my decision, be able to patiently wait for my departure date, and then calmly accept the fact that I'm going to be gone anywhere from half to a WHOLE YEAR before coming back to Oregon. But it seems I don't have the staid sort of personality for that. 

 I'm counting the days until December 4th, but sometimes I wonder if I want to be counting them. I'm starting to feel the crunch... Time is fleeting and I still have a LOT I need to do. I'd say my biggest stress right now is - surprise, surprise - money. Yeah, we've all been there, I'm sure. Who doesn't stress about money? Some nights I lay awake, calculating in my tired brain how much money I think I'll need each month, and then how much money I'll have before I leave. I usually don't come up with satisfactory answers seeing as I'm half asleep and my mental math ends up looking something like, "$1,500 / 4 months = I-forgot-to-feed-the-dog"

My math during the day isn't much better. Anyway, this is one of those moments where I'm pretty darned sure I'll be fine, but I still want to be prepared. This is an unpaid internship, so I'll be on no income whatsoever unless I'm independently bringing in some cash (which I'm working on accomplishing). This isn't a *huge* issue seeing as I don't have to pay for food or board (both are provided) and those are the biggest expenses in life. 

  To come completely clean, the stressing part comes in when I think about the fact that I want to try and get a camera and a laptop before I leave. Ouch. Funds drain astoundingly fast when you start looking at buying those two little things. To make matters worse, I'm something of a quality snob when it comes to gadgets, so I've been eyeing getting my own Canon T2i camera (okay, a T4i would be a dream come true, but I'd be content with a sturdy little T2i). Laptop wise... Well, I'm really hoping I won't have to cave and buy an Acer; my apologies if you like that brand. It's just not my cup of tea. Yep, call me a snob. But I'm slightly easier to please on the laptop score; I mean, it's not like I'm bent on buying a $1,500 Ultrabook (you could buy me one if you wanted to though. I grant thee permission!). Just a decent $300 or $400 laptop will suffice. Right now, I figure I could probably squeak by with buying only a camera (hang on, don't panic just yet!), and then asking to commandeer my host's computer for blogging purposes. I still have to ask them if I could do such a thing, but if I can't buy both of my blogging necessities (you guys are expensive. I'm realizing this now... I have to buy a camera and a laptop to keep my readers happy!?!? I tease... I'm a teaser. I like you guys.) then I'll buy the more important thing first and get the second one later. 

 I really, truly am excited for this internship. Thrilled in fact! But I'm also the type of person who gets knots and butterflies in her stomach just thinking about going to a social event by myself for a couple of hours. Let alone going to a completely different state for months and months. I feel kinda' like Piglet; mentally stuttering "Oh d-d-d dearie dear!" when I think about leaving. But it passes in time, and then I'm back to my more confident self who thinks "Heck yeah! Bring it on!" Sigh. I wish I could find that happy medium of contentedness.

 Only thirty more days folks. Let's see if I survive...

Pinterest Link Up! Week #7!

I have to admit that I'm a little pleased with what I found on Pinterest this week. :) It's a pretty good scope of things, all in all. *tries not to look smug* So here you go, folks. Enjoy!

1. 20 Clever Homesteading Ideas. {Courtesy of Home Talk}

2. Homesteading Skills 101 - Raise Your Own Beef. {Courtesy of The Home Front}

3. Caring For Livestock In Winter. {Courtesy of Mother Earth News}

4. Pictures of Cow Problems - Good references (warning, many images are quite graphic!). {Courtesy of Cattle Today}

5. Natural Lice and Mite prevention for Chickens - Using Herbs in the Nest Box. {Courtesy of Natural Chicken Keeping}

6. Cornish Cross vs. Dual Purpose chicken. Detailed notes on differences/which is better. {Courtesy of The Home Front}