Who Cares?

  I've been told by so many "wise" people, who are much older than me, that nobody in this world really cares about you. About me. About anyone but themselves. That things like Blogging and Facebook are superfluous and a waste of time because nobody really cares about what's going on in your life. They don't care about what you're doing, what good things have happened, what painful things you've experienced. "Why write?" People ask... Why write when no one in this world cares. No one wants to hear it.

  This breaks my heart.

  Speaking as an individual who is forever hesitant to say what I'm thinking or feeling (oh the joys of being an INFJ... *note sarcasm*), I learned early that writing was a good outlet for me to express myself. It's slower, it allows me to think about my words before sharing them publicly, as well as creating a barrier from a lot of inevitable pressure that comes with talking directly with a person. Mind you, I still enjoy talking face-to-face with folks, but there's a difference between "talking" to someone, and actually "opening up". Guys, it can take me twenty minutes or longer just to work up the nerve to say something to my own mom. That is how introverted I am.

  So when people tell me that no one cares about my musings, my personal FB updates, or my random thoughts that I write, this comes across as a heavy handed slap in the face. It's like being told that in every possible sense, I am unwanted.

  But you know something? I don't wholly believe the words of these "wise" people. I think there are still people in this world who care. Perhaps it's just the wild hope of a naive introvert, but I still cling to the thought that people care. Maybe not all, but some do. I get emails occasionally from people who say they enjoy this blog, or I meet people who say they read all this, or readers tell me about their 3 year old who draws pictures of my darling cow Mattie, or someone tells me how they read these stories aloud to their family during breakfast... Maybe it's just me, but all this sounds like there is still a percentage of this world's population who cares about more than just themselves.

  For the last few months I've been revamping this blog; making it more professional looking, tweaking this and that, bringing in more traffic, more readers. I was reading book after book, blog after blog on all these tips and tricks to bring in more readers. It's the coveted "readership status" that every blogger secretly harbors. I'll even bluntly state my secret desiring: My goal was/is a minimum of 30,000 readers each month. That's what I've been building for. It slowly became my everything and all for this blog. MORE READERS!! MUST HAVE MORE READERS!! I unwittingly unearthed a dragon in me.

  Then I found a completely different book that basically hit me over the head, sent me to my room, and told me to think about what I've done. It was just a small e-book. I paid $2.99 for it. It was called something like "The Small Army Strategy". The author wrote simply, but powerfully; asking which is better: a large readership (hmm, like 30k each month?) that doesn't care a lick if you suddenly disappear one day, or a small readership of people who sincerely care. This was a knock over the head because up until this point I had more or less believed the lie that "no one cares". Shucks, if no one in this world cares that I exist then I might as well shoot for the goal of a large audience, right? But reading through that small e-book reopened a small, hidden desire. I do want to know that people care... I don't say that in a selfish way, like "oh pay attention to meeeeeee, everyone!". But rather, it's more like wanting a community of like minded folks. It's knowing that here in this small corner of cyber space there are people who won't tear me down for my beliefs, mistakes, and desires, but instead can share their own beliefs, mistakes, and desires. It's a quiet longing for a tribe of my own that usually isn't heard over the static noise of others saying that it's a pipe dream. No one cares.

  Last night was a bad night. I was all alone at home, and I was lonely. Normally I love being alone, but being lonely is a whole 'nother thing. It was just me and the dogs in a large and silent house. Every noise had me jumping, and all I wanted was a voice. Just another voice of a human. I didn't find said voice; didn't know who to turn to. But it was during those few hours of crushing loneliness that this post was born in my mind. Do people really care??? My blogs stats show that this blog is averaging a little over 11,000 visitors each month. All I could think about was, "why are these readers here?" To be entertained? To learn? Is that all I am? Just a teacher and 3-ringed circus rolled into one person?  Does anybody even really care!?!?!? Normally I'm fine with being in the shadows; unnoticed, unheard, left to my own devices. But last night, for some reason I was craving an authentic voice. I just wanted to know that I'm not the unwanted shadow that I think I am.

 It was there and then that I decided I was done with making that 30k my goal for this blog. I don't want a large group of silent readers who will simply up and leave when this blog no longer interests them. I want my goal to be a group of folks who care. This may be a small group, seeing as some folks are under the impression that no one really wants to hear details. But you know what? FINE! Let it be a small group! I care about other people; I've been told I care too much about other people (again, problems of being an INFJ...). And I will write as though people care in return. Maybe we won't always agree (I love a good discussion, so varying opinions are welcomed), but hey, I'm willing to keep putting myself out here and writing authentically.

  Having said all this, I think it's time for introductions. I'd like to meet y'all if you don't mind.

  Hi. My name is Caitlyn. I'm 21 and I farm. :)

  Your turn.