Girl vs. Snapping Turtle

   Everyone has their moments. And by moments, I mean when you seem to lose all logic and sense. You know, the most basic logic that every human being possesses? I had that moment today.

  Call me an idiot, folks, but this crazy country girl tried picking up a snapping turtle today.

  Yeah.

  It was dumb of me.

  I was originally in the midst of bringing the cows back up to the barn, when right at the pond's edge I saw it: 12 inches in diameter, and looking like some prehistoric monster that should have died during the Great Flood, that turtle glared at me from the other side of the electric fence. 

  I'm a fool when it comes to reptiles and amphibians. In Oregon, I never had to worry about any dangerous or poisonous creatures, so I got in the habit of picking up everything that came my way. That same habit is a bit of a death wish here in Missouri.

  I was originally going to just leave it alone. Honest. Cross my heart. He looked mean, and he was a downright whopper! But the reckless part of me couldn't resist. I hopped the fence, tiptoed over to the ugly beast and cautiously put my hands on each side of his big shell; trying to keep them as far from his head as possible. I got him about two inches off the ground before he erupted in all his snapping fury. HOLY SMOKES!! You wouldn't believe what a long neck those things have! That ornery critter whipped his head around and did his very best to take a finger or three off of me.

   "FALL BACK! RETREAT! EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!"

  I totally panicked. Like, I dropped that turtle, screamed, scurried over that fence, and didn't stop running until I got back up the hill and reached the cows (I didn't want to find out how fast snapping turtles moved on the ground). I laugh now, thinking about how ridiculous I must have looked (and sounded... Screaming like a little girl, I was!), but at the time I was freaking out enough that a passerby might have thought I had found a skeleton.

  I got home safe and unscathed. I still have all eight fingers (oh wait -- I mean ten. Don't worry, Mom), and the snapping turtle didn't follow me up the path in an angry rampage. But one thing's for sure: I am never, ever, EVER dipping one toe in that pond. That demon might want revenge.

  I got bested by a turtle. This is kind of humiliating...