Thursday, April 14, 2016

The Butterfly Came

 This week I made a big, scary, important decision about this blog:

I need to change it.

 Five little words... Yet so much trepidation behind them. For three years I've fought the nagging sense that 'To Sing With Goats' did not fit me any more... I even made a few comments about that here on the blog. But I could never bring myself to change any of it (except make it look a bit more professional). How could I even THINK of changing it!?!? I'm that "Goat Song Girl", for goodness' sake! People all over the world Google the blog name just to find and read me! I've built a readership, established an online name, made an icon of the tag "Goat Song"... Nopenopenope. Can't change this blog, quothe the scared farm girl.

  I've left this blog, and come back to it more times than I can count. Each time I leave, it's because I can't bear the feeling of 'not belonging' in my own online space. Each time I come back, it's because I miss the writing so fiercely, and want to try making it work again. But it never works. You know why? Because every time I try to come back and write regularly, I'm faced with a monster of my own making. This blog is my monster. It's not me... It looks something like me, it even sounds like me, but there's no soul here. It's an empty mask of a person, trying to please everyone who comes, and in doing so she loses herself. I. Can't. Do. This.

  Let me tell you a little secret: I've never held down a "real job" for longer than two months. And I've had quite a few jobs. Even working at the vet clinic, which was a total blast, only lasted precisely two months. The reason? I couldn't be my authentic self at those jobs. I had to follow someone else's rules. Those jobs, even though I enjoyed most of them, were soul sucking. I unconsciously rebel at anything and everything in life that doesn't allow me to completely and joyfully express exactly who I am.

  This blog became that soul sucking job. Something I did every day, did well at, loved doing... But there was an element missing: Me. 

  Granted, this blog used to fit me like a glove. I started it as a young teenager, living under her parents roof in Oregon. Now I'm a married woman, with a 4-month old son, living in the heart of Missouri. I've changed so freaking much in these last three years that it even scares me sometimes. But it's also exhilarating. And joyful. And full of surprises. The caterpillar in Oregon turned into a butterfly, here in Missouri. And the butterfly looks shockingly different from the pudgy bug it once was.

 So, I made the decision. This blog is going to change radically. The old posts will all remain, but the name is going to change, the look is going to change, the focus will slightly change (still lots of farming stuff. But I'll be expanding into other topics as well). And yes, I may very well lose readers when I change it. You make come here and be too freaked out to ever come back. But that's okay. This is for me. I need to stop hiding. Stop masking myself. I am an acquired taste, and not everyone may like that. I am ready though. And I am excited.

  This change will not be immediate, mind you. I want to have this website overhauled by a professional, and that is going to cost me about $3k; which I most definitely do not have right now. But I'll come up with something. It'll happen. After all, butterflies can only wait so long before testing their wings out...



Mike Hobbs said...

Awesome post. Totally understand and I bet people that have read your blog over the years will still read it. Missed the updates on what was going on with you. Enjoy your life, your husband, and baby boy. That is what counts.

gz said...

You can change the blog yourself...after all, you have developed you...
glad to hear that you are doing well...but keep on singing!

Anonymous said...

So is it going to be on the same blog or a entirely different blog?


Anonymous said...

Hi Caitlyn, you may remember me; this is Milkmaid from TGS forum. I'm not sure what brought you to mind, but I have been thinking about you the past few days and wondering how you are doing. I found your blog and am sooooooo delighted to see how beautiful and happy you look, and to read a bit about your growing and learning in the last few years. Congratulations on your marriage and your little boy. God bless you in every adventure! :D