What Would "Mrs. Harmon Andrews" Say?

There's a small quote in L.M. Montgomery's book, 'Anne's House of Dreams', that I happen to like, and strangely enough, means a lot to me. It goes something like this:

"There are so many things in life we cannot do for fear of what Mrs. Harmon Andrews would say!"

I read that little line about a year ago, and I understood it. I have lived most of my life living in fear of what the world's "Mrs. Harmon Andrews" would say. You know who they there. Yes, you do. Those people in life who you tiptoe around. Who you are always worrying about what they will say about something you do. What on earth would they say if they found out that you were doing 'X'? Maybe it's a relative who can't for the life of them figure out why you would want to homestead and grow your own food. What on earth will they think when they hear that you just put in an outhouse! Gasp of horror!

Or maybe it's the overly-sweet neighbor. What on earth will she think when she hears your music playing and it's something she doesn't approve of?? [faints]

Or, what about the close friend who doesn't eat any sugar at all? What will they think if they find out that you just ate a Little Debbie's Swiss Roll!?!? [apoplectic fit]

So basically, it's a problem of letting others rule our lives. And I've struggled with that for years upon years. I used to be quite the doormat. People could trample me underfoot without even trying. Everything I did in life was with hesitation and fear. Would 'So-and-so' approve? What will 'So-and-so' think if they find out? Those thoughts hung over me like a cloud, always present and threatening. I was insecure. I needed a close friend. I wanted everyone to be my friend, but feared rejection.

Then, about a year ago, something in me snapped. 

And snapped hard.

I was sick and tired of being a doormat. I was weary of living in fear over what people thought of me, when in reality their opinions didn't matter two hoots in my life! I changed. Or maybe I didn't? Maybe I didn't "change", so to say, maybe I just started being myself....

I stopped worrying about what people thought, and you want to know something? It's been very freeing! It certainly took time and persistence to get all those "Mrs. Harmon Andrews'" out of my head, but I did it. And it feels like a weight off my shoulders. 

Want to hear some really shocking things about myself? I love dancing. Seriously. Okay, did that make you faint? That was something I always kept to myself. What on earth would folks say if they found out that I enjoyed dancing?? Here's another one: I really enjoy listening to Josh Groban. There's another shocker for ya'. If you've heard him/his style you can probably better understand why I put that as an example. Josh Groban is *gasp* contemporary!!! Quick somebody get this girl to a preacher!!! 

Third, and this one is one of my deep, dark secrets: I am a closet 'Lord of the Rings' fan.

And there go all of my readers, right? You all stampeded out the door as fast as you could, didn't you? ;) Yeah, I've seen LOTR. All of 'em. And I'm awaiting the arrival of the newest episode, 'The Hobbit'. Aragorn is probably my favorite character in those movies. But then, maybe it's only because Viggo Mortensen plays Aragorn, and he's my all-time favorite actor. :) I do like the hobbits too. 

I enjoy being single, I have a job of my own, I'm working towards a career as a full-time farmer, I'm not afraid of living by myself... I am a strange bird. And one who has kept all of this under blankets for fear of what YOU would say about it. Yes, YOU.  

My "Mrs. Harmon Andrews" are gone. Yes, I am still considerate towards people. If I know So-and-so doesn't like listening to Josh Groban, I certainly won't play it when they are around. If I know that you don't like movies like LOTR, I certainly won't broach such topics in your presence. That's common courtesy. But I'm done living in fear over what people will think of me. Let them think what they want. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never touch me. 

I am Me; what can I say? 

Now, how many readers did I lose to this post? ;)

Irrational

A full moon hung in the sky tonight. Perfectly fitting Walter De La Mare's description as a "Ghostly galleon upon storm tossed waves"...

A glowing orb in the twilight.

A full moon.

A wolf moon.

And outside, after bunking down the animals, with the moon as witness, I played the part of an irrational female.

I cried.

I am a very introverted person by nature. I keep my emotions and thoughts to myself for the most part. On the outside I may look like a happy, cheerful person, but if you were to see the inside... You would find a hurting creature. I almost never cry. My family knows that when Caity cries, something must be seriously wrong.

Beneath that wolf moon, I wept my heart out. 

It was such a collection of burdens that I could contain my tears no more. I cried for my goats that lay beneath a layer of earth now. Chamomile... Capri... Penny... Frodo... Samwise... Nickel... All gone. Their sweet faces no longer sing to me outside. Their perfect, velvety noses are no longer there for me to kiss. No more hugs on their silky necks...

I cried for broken dreams and shattered hopes... 

I cried for a year that turned out nothing like I expected...

I cried for my failures...

For what could have been...

For what never was...

For uncertainties... 

And then I could cry no more.

The wolf moon still hung in the sky, like a Christmas ornament.

I found my voice, and sang Josh Ritter's 'Change of Time'. Right there. Beneath that full moon.

Change of Time

And I felt better for it.

Permission Denied

So, I sent an e-mail to the rescue that the Oberhasli doe was at. I was pretty tentative about the whole thing. As I mentioned before, I really can't afford another goat right now, but I figured it can't hurt to ask some questions.

 I received a reply a few hours later, saying that I could not adopt any of their goats because I breed my own goats for milk and meat.

 Ouch.

 I was open to the possibility of keeping this Oberhasli doe open (meaning not pregnant or milking, ever.), as I know most rescues are against breeding; but this gal wouldn't let me pursue the possibility of adoption because I breed my other does!! Shucks, we're talking livestock here, lady! The goats are my source of income (most of the time, anyway), my hobby, and my way of life. I can understand the whole "no breeding" thing when it comes to dogs and cats; after all they aren't used in the areas of milk, meat and draft. But with livestock??? Nope, I'll forgo a little Oberhasli doe named Capri if they put down those terms. I like my milk and meat, thank you very much!

 Yeah, I'm a little disgruntled about this... The lady who e-mailed was very rude about the whole thing. Had she at least been polite, that would have helped matters. But instead I was thrown out the door! Mutter, mutter, mutter...

Alright, I'm off to go do something useful now... 

I did NOT need to see this...

http://www.petfinder.com/petdetail/21016254

She's an Oberhasli...

And her name is Capri...

I really can't afford another goat right now...

But it almost seems like fate. My Capri was an Oberhasli cross.

Hi-Ho-Hi-Ho, It's Off to Work I Go!

Today, for the first time, I went to work. Actual work. 

 Yep, this farm girl got herself a job this week! Whoohoo! 

Some friends of mine run a small poultry processing business about 15 minutes away from me, and the wife was mentioning how shorthanded they were this year. Somehow, less than 10 minutes later, I was signed up for a job working for them! So today was the first day, and I know this is going to sound strange, but I enjoyed myself. :) I never in my life would have guessed that I would one day be butchering poultry as a day-to-day job, but I wanted to help my friends out, and it's a job that I'm already good at!

 Today was a quick day; hours are usually 8AM to 5PM, but this morning we just worked until noon. We all worked double time and got 400 chickens done in exactly two hours. We were expecting 100 ducks as well, but those got delayed until Friday...

It's a pretty nice gig, I have to say. I'm not an "employee", I'm a "contracted worker", so taxes are different (almost non-existent), I get to choose my own working days and times, I can take a day/week off at the drop of a hat, and I get to choose when I get paid. Not too shabby for a first job; I'm content with it. 

So right now, I'm in training to be an "over seer" (in a nice way; no, I don't have a whip. LOL). The area is split into two parts: one half is where the birds are dispatched, scalded, plucked and eviscerated. The second half is where the birds are looked over by hand, to make sure all the feathers are off, then they're chilled, cut if the customer wants it, bagged, sealed, weighed, labeled, and given back to the customer. The second half also does office work and takes orders. My job is making sure everything in the second half of the area is going smoothly, and helping where things need another set of hands. 

The wife was a little disappointed that I might be gone for the summer next year, as that's when they have the most business, and they need every hand they can get! But we decided that we'll worry about that when the time comes. 

All total, there are seven other workers. The husband and wife, of course, their 10 year old son (he puts my work to shame! Man, that little guy can go fast!), plus three other workers in the first half, and one more worker in my half. 

So now I'm home. I won't be going back to work until next Wednesday, but after that it should be pretty regular. It's a welcome bit of income right now; that's for sure. Since I'm not selling milk this winter, the job will help bring in money that I otherwise would be stressing about. 

Okey dokey, I'm off to go start some soap now!

Gone

Capri died this evening...

The ships from the West came for her, and I let her go...

Into The West; By Annie Lennox

Into The West (Album Version)

Goat Song

Capri is fading...

And there is nothing I can do...

She is laying quietly in the barn now...

Unable to move any part of her body...

She looks around with her big eyes... Once the color of honey, now they are glazed over in a shade of gray...

Capri. My Goat Song. She taught me the magic of singing, and was the one who named my herd. 

Goat Song. 

She loved listening to 'Isle of Inisfree' and 'Skellig', but didn't care for 'The Ballad of the Foxhunters'. 

Goat Song.

I learned to kuln because of her. Now I sing her favorite songs for what I fear is the last time.

Goat Song.

She comforted me when I was confused, sad or upset.

Goat Song.

Her sweet voice sang out to me each morning; eager to tell me the news and gossip for the day.

My Goat Song.

The other goats have said goodbye already, but my human nature doesn't want to let her go yet.

Not yet. Not my Goat Song...

She fades before my eyes... Slowly. So slowly... I want to be there with her, but at the same time, my grief only distresses her. This makes a loss of six goats this year.

My Capri. My Goat Song.