Just A Little Bit

I have a confession to make: I miss Heidi, just a little bit.

I shouldn't miss that goat at all, really. Always getting into trouble, bullying the goats, wrecking fencing and chicken tractors, knocking over goat kids, terrorizing the chickens, escaping, holding her milk back, and just plain being a pest, I really shouldn't miss that goat.

But I think I do. Just a little bit.

With winter here, I've begun settling back into working on my story, 'Led By A Goat'. I had to put it away during the spring and summer due to time limitations, but now that the cold weather has settled, and barn chores only take 30 minutes a day, I'm back to typing away. Watching words become a story. I had posted some excerpts of the story last winter, and some of y'all may remember those, but the story has changed considerably since then. I revamped my writing, re-did the chapters, and it's even better now. I kind of cringe as I reread the little blurbs that I posted on here all those months ago. 

But as I've begun writing the story again, I find myself thinking of Heidi more and more often. Not surprisingly though, seeing as 'Led By A Goat' revolves around Heidi. I've never had such a strong love/hate relationship with any living creature before. Part of me misses her presence, and then part of me doesn't regret selling her. I am a fickle person; one who is trying to balance life between wanting to keep every stray that comes by, and realizing that in order to have a profitable farm, you really can't keep them all. Heidi had to go, and GSF is better for it. But every now and again I kind of miss her. Just a little bit.

Excerpt from 'Led By A Goat':

"Why did her looks of fear and mistrust seem so vaguely familiar? Why did I feel like I had seen it all before? It was so obvious that I somehow missed it until now:

I was seeing a mirror of myself.

Resentment, bitterness, pride, fear, pain… When I looked upon Heidi for the first time, and saw those emotions fleetingly pass through her, I was unconsciously harking back to my own memories of the same feelings. I bought her, wondering why she seemed so familiar to me, and now, in a dumbstruck manner, realized that I was seeing my own reflection in a four-legged animal.

As I sat on the ground that day, watching Heidi pace the pasture’s edge, I saw my own past flash before me. Old memories that I thought I had put behind me began bubbling up without consent. The pain of rejection burned. The remembrance of wanting friendship and acceptance seared me. The fear of being hurt again was crippling. Like a hammer striking an anvil, so the memories pounded my mind. I groaned as I sat there, and put my face in my hands... Had Heidi gone through the same thing? Was she too far gone to change? Moreover, was I too far gone to change?"