Random One-Liners

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.

Few women admit their age; few men act it.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

47.2 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

My mind is like a steel trap: Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

I let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

Don't steal. The government hate competition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?