This morning I found myself washing dishes while pondering the eight limbs of yoga, and dancing to Dierks Bentley's epic song, 'Drunk On A Plane' (which happens to be the current favorite country song of my husband and I). Soap suds splashed on the floor as the just-washed whisk became an extension of my arm and got waved in the air with unabashed enthusiasm, and this little baby inside me jumped and wiggled along with me as we did an awkward but joyful dance that only a 39-week pregnant woman can pull off. It was a moment that has taken me months to find peace about. A celebration of finally balancing my yin and yang. Balancing two sides of me that I've felt were incompatible.
In the months that I was absent from writing here, I found myself really struggling with what sort of person I was. I didn't seem to fit in anywhere, and there seemed to be two starkly different sides of me that were constantly competing to become the "whole Caity". I called this dilemma my "yin and yang" and day after day during those dark months I could be found draped across the couch in a depressed heap, wondering why life had to be so confusing.
One side of me I knew well; it was the "country girl" side that loved hunting, mudding, farming, big trucks, guns, Chase Rice, and everything else that comes with being a person who loves her eyeliner and rifle equally. This side of me was familiar, fun, and I couldn't help but love the sexy feeling that comes with wearing tight jeans, gorgeous boots, a fitted top, and my beloved Mossy Oak ball cap (I can't pull off the "cowgirl hat" look; ball caps for me!!).
Then there was "The other side"... Bum, bum, bum, BUUUUUUM!! (that's supposed to be epic music) This "other side" had been lurking quietly for years upon years, and finally decided to rear its head and make something of itself. It was more of the "natural/spiritual girl" kind of thing. I couldn't deny it; there was a part of me that adored yoga, desired to become a more spiritual/wise person, and was very seriously considering getting a degree in working with healing crystals (yes, it's a thing). This person ate chia seeds in her yogurt every day (after drinking her lemon water, of course), meditated on her yoga mat for at least 30 minutes every morning, could list all the yoga sutras, and knew that congo citrine could help balance your solar chakra (if you understand any of that last line, then I am impressed and would love to shake your hand).
These two sides did NOT get along. Or so I thought. I was too "crunchy" to be in the country girl circle, but too redneck to completely get along with all the others at yoga class. Which side was really me?? How do I choose!? I felt so horribly alone and awkward in my desire to have a definable label for myself. The thought of blogging here was unappealing, since it's all about farming and I occasionally wanted to share my learnings from the yoga world. But starting a new blog that focused on "the other side" never felt very right either, since I would inevitably find something exciting going on in the agricultural world and wanted to share it online... But it didn't fit on those new blogs.
There had to be a decision, surely. I can't be both of these sides; it sounded absurd and I had certainly never heard of anyone else doing both!
A couple weeks ago I had the breakthrough... There's a private Facebook page for all the people doing the business/marketing course that I'm taking and about 98% of the people there are all on the very "spiritual" side of things. Many of them are crystal healers, tarot card readers, reiki instructors, etc. Great women, for sure, but I did feel rather out of place among them. Then one day, a woman posted something that really shook me. She explained herself as being a retired Army sergeant who loved hunting, and was now a yoga teacher. She said she felt out of place; like she was struggling with two worlds and didn't know how to combine them. Fifty comments followed that post; every single one of them from other women who were in the exact same boat.
"Wait a minute! You mean I'm not alone!? There are others who do Vinyasa flows to Blake Shelton music??" Turns out there were. A discussion ensued, and what I learned was this:
These two worlds ARE compatible. It's completely fine to have steak and Jack Daniel's after evening yoga class. You can still practice meditation and then go to a Luke Bryan concert. And you can sure as heck ponder the eight limbs of yoga while dancing in the kitchen to Dierks Bentley!!
For so long I've fought these two sides, when I should have embraced them and let them meld to create the whimsical, unique person that I am. I'm no longer ashamed of who I am, nor am I conflicted about who I should be. It sounds crazy and impossible, but I am melding two very different worlds. I'm a country girl who wears a mala. I'm a yoga girl who loves hunting. I've given up some things over the last few weeks (Hubby and I decided that dropping the "healing crystal" thing would be a wise move, and I did make some changes in my meditation habits...), but that hasn't been a bad thing. It's made life a lot easier and simpler, for which I'm grateful.
It's taken me months, but I've finally learned to balance my yin and yang. And you know what? It's a beautiful thing.